Air
by spectersanatomy
Summary: Her thoughts are racing, her heart is pounding, her tears are streaming, there is no amount of air that can fill her lungs and Mike isn't there.


Rachel was having a bad day. Well it was a bad week in general, but today was a particularly bad day. It was about 2 o'clock on a Thursday - hardly halfway through her day but she was already desperate to be home. She glanced down at the paperwork in front of her, sub-consciously clenching her fist as she tried to push away the guilt she felt rising up inside of her. She usually enjoyed detailing the what she was working on, but not when she had failed.

It didn't happen often, but today was one of the days where she was being forced to admit that she didn't do enough, that she had let her focus be elsewhere and as a consequence she had failed. She knew that it was something that happened sometimes, it wasn't the time she had failed and it wouldn't be the last but for some reason this one was hitting her harder than the others. She wasn't even sure why, it was nowhere near the worst test she had ever completed, nor was it the worst grade she had received. It was a simple test on civil law suits, she could have easily aced it, but safe to say she had been a little distracted lately, what with Mike being in prison and Gallo threatening him and there being nothing she could do about it. None of this was making her feel better though, the only word flying around her head was failure.

It wasn't like the rational part of her mind wasn't working. She knew that this was not the end of the world, but that thought was being drowned out by the incessant clamouring of just about everything else in her mind. She got like this a lot more often than she'd like to admit, especially when she was younger; it was an all too common occurrence that she let the irrational thoughts take over and send anxiety coursing through her veins. In high school it had got so bad that her mum had dragged her to the doctor, searching for an official diagnosis to her daughter's fear of just about everything and the panic attacks that seemed to appear from nowhere. They had got one - generalised anxiety disorder.

Her friends knew about it, after all, it wasn't easy to hide it, but none of them had ever really had to deal with it, only Mike had, and she wasn't planning on anyone else needing to do it today.

Mike. That was another reason she was so on edge. Since he had gone she felt as though she was just floating around without a tether to pull her back to the ground. It felt as though she hadn't taken a deep breath since she watched him leave their wedding. Mike somehow always knew the perfect way to talk her down. He could tell when she wasn't okay and he knew how to help and oh god she really needed him here right now. She couldn't have him though, she had dealt with this before she had met Mike and she could deal with it now, couldn't she?

Rachel let out a big sigh as she finished the document, quickly sending it to the partner on the case for him to check over before letting herself pause for a moment and breathe. She still had a pile of paperwork to complete but today it filled her with dread rather than the usual contentment that would wash over her at the idea of being able to get her work done on time. Is this how the others felt about paperwork all the time? Rachel shook her head slightly as she took another deep breath.

She decided to go for a walk around the firm, just to clear her head. The four walls of her office were beginning to suffocate her and she needed out. If she just got up and left without reason, it would look suspicious, so she walked around the building, she just needed a way to stop the unbearable waves of panic sparking around her body.

She walked through the bullpen and into the kitchen. She contemplated making herself a drink, making it look like she had a reason to be there, but her shaking hand and hot liquids didn't seem to be a good mix, so she continued walking.

It didn't work. Rachel had returned to her desk ten minutes later feeling slightly better but that feeling had soon dissipated as she got back to work. Everything was just so loud.

She could hear every conversation, every heel making contact with the ground, every pen click, every keyboard tap and oh god it was too loud and Rachel really couldn't do this.

She could hardly process what she was doing as she felt herself launch up from her chair way too quickly to possibly not draw attention to herself. Honestly it was a miracle her legs were even holding her up the amount that they were shaking. Her hands were clenched in fists by her side and her breath was coming in short sharp bursts and her heart felt like it was about to rip itself out of her chest and oh god she was having a panic attack in the middle of the firm and there were tears streaming down her face and everyone had stopped what they were doing and were now staring at her and she had to get out.

So she ran. She ignored the stares and the shout from one of the associated and got out of there and headed for the closest place she could think of that would give her a slight bit of privacy - the supply closet with the door that locked.

It took her a good few seconds to pull the lock across with the tears blurring her eyes and the burning in her chest but she managed it and as soon as she did she let her shaking legs collapse beneath her and dropped to the floor.

What had she just done?

How had she let this happen?

What was she going to do?

And oh god she couldn't breathe.

In. Out. In. Out. That's all she had to do. Breathing wasn't supposed to be this hard. Rachel pulled her knees up to her chest and lowered her head in between them. In for four. Out for four. In for four. Out for four.

A quiet knock on the door didn't help her in her attempts to control her breathing, instead it caused her head to shoot up and her breaths to become even heavier. She did not need anyone trying to talk to her right now.

"Rachel," It was a man talking, "Are you okay? Will you let one of us in?"

Rachel didn't respond. Having one of her colleagues in there was the last thing she needed right now. The less people that saw her in this state the better. Even if she had tried to say something she's not sure that the words would have come out, they'd failed her mid panic attack enough times for her to know not to trust them anymore.

"Rachel," This time it was a woman, "Look, just let us know you're okay in there and we'll leave you alone if that's what you want."

Still Rachel stayed silent. Her head was aching and everything sounded slightly far away and she needed to be left alone.

"Knock on the door if you're okay, if you don't Harvey will break down the door." That was clearly Louis' voice, and Rachel felt herself smile slightly as she heard the two begin to bicker like two-year olds outside the door.

Knocking was something that she could manage right now.

Rachel wasn't sure how long she was sitting on the floor of the supply closet for. She could never really work out how much time was passing when she was in the midst of an attack, sometimes it felt like everything was rushing past at a million miles an hour and other times it seemed to crawl past.

She wasn't crying anymore, and her breathing was calmer and more even, although it was definitely still a bit shaky. She knew she needed to get up and get to the bathroom and sort herself out but the prospect of actually leaving the sanctuary of the closet was daunting right now.

God she probably looked like a right mess. She could just imagine the tear stains and smudged mascara and red eyes and - actually maybe she'd just stay in the closet for the rest of her life.

Another knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

"Rach?" It was Mike.

No. It couldn't be Mike. He was locked away in a prison cell miles away.

"Rach, let him in." Okay, it was definitely Mike's voice, but the closer she listened, it sounded distorted

Rachel had the door unlocked in a matter of seconds and stared up at Harvey, who quickly lowered himself to the floor and handed her the phone.

"Rach, you there?" Mike's voice came out of the phone clearly and she couldn't stop herself from starting to cry again.

"Hey, Rach, it's okay, just breathe with me okay."

As they spoke, Harvey got up to leave, but Rachel grabbed his hand.

"Stay?" she whispered, and he obliged, repositioning himself on the floor so she could squeeze his hand with her free one. She had helped him through one or two panic attacks when Donna had left him, so he thought it only fair to return the favour.

She knew that it sounded like some disgusting sickly sweet couple shit but Mike honestly did always make her feel safe. Even though he was usually so all over the place he just had this calming presence over her and she really didn't know what she would do without him.

Hopefully she would never have to find out.

They sat there together for a while, Mike breathing calmly on the other end of the phone line and Harvey squeezing her hand until her breath was full under control and the waves of panic rolling around her body were truly gone.

"What happened, Rach?" Mike asked.

Before she answered, Harvey dismissed himself – this was not a conversation that he needed to be a part of, if she wanted to tell him, she would later.

Rachel reluctantly sat up slightly from her comfortable position, placing the cell phone on the floor and taking once last deep breath. She was turning her engagement ring around her finger but she wasn't prepared to try and stop right now, it helped.

"I don't know, it just happened." Her answer was weak and he could tell she wasn't telling the truth.

The brunette took a deep breath, "I failed a test, a stupid easy one. And everything was so loud. And you weren't here."

"Why didn't you come and visit me?" His voice was soft but questioning, and Rachel was sure she could hear a hint of hurt in it.

"It's just – you're in prison and I don't want to burden you with my problems," Rachel replied, her voice still quiet.

"You never need to worry about burdening me with your problems, okay Rach."

"I know, I just thought I could do it on my own, you know? Like I used to be able to deal with it on my own so I figured I still could." Rachel admitted, bowing her head slightly and staring at her hands.

"But you don't need to deal with it on your own babe, that's the point," Mike sighed, "The whole point of us being together is so that I can help you and you can help me. I love you Rachel, so much, and nothing will ever change that." She was now holding the phone tightly in her hand, squeezing it as though she would squeeze his hand if he were there with her.

"I love you too, Mike." Rachel's voice was hardly more than a whisper, but it didn't matter. Mike was there, in a way, and she was calm and, at least for now, everything was okay.


End file.
